The new year is fast approaching and the oh-so-cliché “new year, new me” phrase will be in full effect. If that’s your thing, then by all means, don’t let anyone’s opinion stop you from shouting out the phrase from the tops of your lungs. I, on the other hand, am not so much of a believer of the phrase. I believe that I am ever changing; I am not the same person as I was yesterday, what mistakes I made previously has turned into a lesson, therefore adapting. But, in the spirit of the new year, I will, for once, jump onto the bandwagon and exclaim in 2018, “new year, new me!”
2017… What can I say? We’ve had better days, weeks, months… Better years. It’s been quite the journey, wouldn’t you say? Life was planned differently, but plans sometimes fall through the cracks. There were many lessons learned. There were many discoveries about myself, people, life… Although hard, devastating, and often times tiring, it’s been nothing short of interesting and eye opening. What I entered with at the beginning of the year, is not what I am leaving with, good and bad.
Lessons Learned in 20171. Stick with your own traditions – OR! Compromise. I was so hell bent on this picture-perfect family tradition that I forgot about the traditions I created for my family already. Instead, I allowed another to drive and left my voice out of it, completely.2. Don’t over compromise – Never completely compromise yourself all for love. Love is and can be a wonderful thing, but when you constantly bend your own rules for another, at one point in time, you’ll regret doing so. Trust me! I did A LOT of bending before 2017, before 2016! And, that carried with me all throughout the lifespan of the relationship.3. You don’t deserve a birthday or to be celebrated, for that matter – Has anyone ever told you that? Well, if not, I’d say you’re one of the lucky ones. Having someone tell you that is just as bad as a person regretting the day you were born. It was the first time I’d ever experience it & the last time I’d ever experience it.4. Life gets fuckin hard – But never allow a person to make you feel like you can’t get a hold of your own life. Apparently, the things I felt and how I carried myself throughout the pain was a flaw in my character. "It’s a sign of a character flaw, it shows how you can’t handle yourself in stressful situations."5. Never argue with a narcissist – You’ll never win. Point. Blank. Period. Your words get twisted, you’re always the reason why things can never be reasoned. Or why the narcissist chose the opposite. Or my favorite, no matter what, you'll NEVER do anything right. Be prepared to hear that you are the reason why it can't or won't work. You, not he/she, but you.6. Listen to your gut – I don’t know how many times in the past year my gut has told me something and it’s ALWAYS been right! Every. Damn. Time. But just because your gut is right, never show that hand to the observing world. Keep it close to your vest. Nod your head. And, move on. It’s easier that way.7. Life gets easier – Even after crying every day for a whole month, a few days here and there a week in the second month, to crying once a week in the third month, to never crying at all. Even after crying because you’ve reached breakthrough after breakthrough after breakthrough. But you notice you cry because you’re so fuckin grateful that you’re no longer stuck on this path of heartbreak, but on a path of rediscovering what you gained.8. Who fuckin’ cares – And, I don’t mean that in the “savage” way. When I say “who fuckin’ cares”, what I mean to say is, you don’t always need the last word. What’s the point, right? You go on to exchange paragraph after paragraph, but what does that accomplish? When you stop caring, you stop caring enough to reply. You let it roll off your shoulder because there’s no point in arguing with someone that you no longer care to fight with or fight for, because there is no longer anything there to believe in.9. Appreciate little strides – Those are the ones that lead up to bigger strides. Even though the strides are little, bask in them, embrace them, remember them… Those are the moments that you’ll look back on and marvel in amazement at how far you’ve come.10. Laughing is a sign of healing – I used to think that I’d never be able to hear myself laugh the way that I used to. It’s all that I would ever worry about. My laughter came back. It was true. It was genuine. It was hearty. It was heartfelt.
There were many lessons learned throughout the span of 2017 that will forever be engrained within. A lot of moments of sadness, despair, angst, and hopelessness; but, throughout those negative feelings, there was ALWAYS hope, faith, light within the darkness of the tunnel, and love. It was a hard journey, a long, what seemed never ending at times, journey. I learned that I couldn’t depend on anyone to help me cope through my path of rediscovering and refinement. I had to grasp at my own inner strength and push through each boulder myself.
In the span of one full calendar year, my energy lacked to vibrate light and love. I felt as though I was surrounded by this cloud of doubt and despair. And, no matter how hard I tried to bring the sunshine, the cloud would just grow bigger.
August 04, 2017 – I remember sitting in silence, dark, cold silence. I breakdown in this room that people just pass by, never taking a second look inside. I breakdown in silence; although silent, it was one of the hardest cries I’ve had in months. I allowed myself two minutes. The 120 seconds go by and I look up, wipe my tears off of my face, fix my demeanor and walk out of the room decluttered. Within this moment, I picked up different habits – I smiled instead of frowning, I spoke to people with confidence, I picked up a book and found sanctuary, I reached out to people and enjoyed conversations, and I slept the night away feeling light.
This new found driving force wouldn’t develop until towards the end of the year. It wasn’t until September 24th onto early October where I would find the courage to believe in myself more, to leave behind doubt and confusion, to leave behind the things I, at one point in time, wanted and felt I needed. What I observed pushed me; the push gave me the strength to brush shit off of my shoulders, but I always keep my eyes and ears open. November then came and before the month even welcomed itself, I knew in my heart that I was completely okay to let go. I forced myself to believe in the opposite of what I wanted. It didn't feel right or feel good. So, I finally let it go and when I did, my shoulders and chest felt lighter, I felt liberated, I felt like me, again.
2017 has been, thus far, the worst year of my life, and I’ve circled this earth 33 times. But, with the bad, there is always good. I know that this year is preparing me for a more prosperous, joyous, love filled, life. After all is said and done, I am grateful for this moment in time, where I can sit and feel nothing but love and light. I am grateful for the hardships because it is through working through those hardships I was able to love myself more, love those around me more, love life more. I am grateful for the little strides that I have made, because I am able find joy in the simplest forms. I am grateful for the ugliness that I have seen, because it is within the ugliness that I am able to find the most beautiful things in those around me, I am able to see what love really looks like. I am grateful for the truths that have landed onto my table, it is within the truths that I am able to move on fulfilled and unfathomed. I am grateful for the time I have spent alone, it is within the loneliness that I have found companionship within my own thoughts. I am grateful for 2017, it is within 2017 that I have found the true meaning of love.
Although 2017 has had one too many downs, the ups haven’t been forgotten. I reflect on the people and things that have given me solace. There are a few who I have chosen to keep anonymous, but by reading this post, they’ll know who they are. Chantal, Miyako, Bijan, Perla, Jessyca, Luke, Matt, Maxwell, Sean, Regene, Lupe, and Vera, just to name a few. Thank you all for such amazing support; your shoulders have been such durable pillars in holding me up when I couldn’t hold myself up. Some of you I have never cried with, but your smiles, laughs, jokes, conversation, and constant thought of me have kept me believing in love and light. My three access points for laughter, hope, and faith have been Chantal, Miyako, and Jessyca. You three have given me more than you’ll ever know in 2017. You’ve seen me at my worst and always allowed me to show grief and sadness; through it all, you three have kept me positive and never once made me feel as though my thoughts and feelings were irrelevant. My daily conversations with you all are great memories that I keep close to my heart. For the ones who I’ve chosen to keep anonymous, thank you, immeasurably. You have no idea how much you mean to me; I am forever grateful for your kind soul. I love you all, forever and always. Always and forever.
So, 2017, although I have so much to be grateful for and I have learned so many lessons, it’s time we part ways so that I can continue on this path of happiness, spiritual growth, love, and peace. I leave behind confusion and doubt. You will never be forgotten, never. 2018, I welcome you and all you have to offer with open arms, eyes widened to see the positivity, and with a heart receptive to all the experiences I know that I will have. 2018, I welcome you with an open mind and peace within my soul. Hello 2018!